I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
