she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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