i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He has the fingertips of a God
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