dude i'm inner monologue high
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
