yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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