i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
