I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Randomize
