Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
