A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
