Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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