my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
