I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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