are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
