Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
