after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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