I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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