why didn't you poke me back
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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