I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
