I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I love you.
Bad choice
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