We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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