Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
