So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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