i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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