my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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