The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
