That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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