Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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