Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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