I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
organizing the empties. That sober.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
