I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
