Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
