Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
