You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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