You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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