fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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