There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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