Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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