there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
