I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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