Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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