I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
