I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
