i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
