i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
