Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
