last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
