I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
