I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
