mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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