I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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