I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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