A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
