wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
